Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sometimes Breaking up IS the Answer

I heard someone say today that “Breaking up is never the answer” Really? It’s not? EVER? Come on, there are many people I think we could all agree should just throw in the towel. Spencer and Heidi, Tom and Kate. You know who they are. I think, though, that each of us knows people in our own lives who we just wish would throw in the towel. Maybe they are being hurt emotionally. Maybe they are a different person when they are with their significant other, and it’s not a nice person. Maybe they are just wrong for each other, and everyone sees it but them. Whatever the reason, it’s often painful to watch, and gets to a point of eye-rolling obviousness.
This particular blog isn’t going to tell you how to deal with those people. There’s really no way to “deal” with them, as they are deluded, and you can’t fix what refuses to admit it’s broken. (You can, but they struggle, and the parts don’t screw in quite right.). It’s an open letter to every person who is in a relationship they shouldn’t be in. Maybe you can print it out and mail it to them. Maybe you shouldn’t though. My advice, while always close to divinely inspired, is not often well received. Apparently, it tends to come off as “judgey”. Anyways, Oswego.

You say you’re in a relationship. That’s nice. You’re happy, you say? You love him/her so very much, you say? I sincerely doubt the first, as you are locked out of the house with no shoes and it is raining. The second I’ll buy. (You have to be careful with deluded people. They’re skittish. Like deer. You could lose their trust at any moment) Lets come in out of the rain, shall we? My self-righteousness is getting wet.

Now that we’re in, let’s talk. I’ll skip the inane chit chat and cut right to the crux of the matter. I think perhaps you are not so happy as you believe. Now, now, stop arguing and listen. I want what’s best for you, darn it. In all seriousness, here’s the deal. There’s a time to fight for a relationship, and there’s a time to cut and run. Now would be the latter. I figure though, that you won’t hear it from me, so I’ll let you tell you. Your subconscious knows, even if you don’t. Find a quiet place, away from all outside influence (the woods are nice, or a bathroom with a lock), and answer the following questions and consider the following points. Before you start though, get the whole “Listen to your heart” nonsense out of your head. Just because your heart is saying “yes” doesn’t necessarily mean the correct answer is “yes”. Ask any battered woman. Or perhaps that woman who married the Eiffel Tower. Actually, don’t ask her. Just look at her and learn. Love is as much about being smart as it is about being sentimental, possibly more so. You can love someone who is a motivational speaker and who lives in a van down by the river, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s not the right person for you. So use your head. So now, we are not listening to our hearts, we are using our heads. Ready, set, go.

1. Relationships should not be a fight
. Yes, relationships are sometimes a struggle, and there will always be things the two of you need to struggle through together, and yes, you will always have the occasional argument. But if every day is a constant battle and struggle to keep from falling to pieces, there is an issue. A relationship that is already crumbling from within is like a tooth that is rotting from the inside with decay. That tooth is coming out regardless. You only have to choose to recognize it and pull it early on or to ignore the problem and wait until it finally rots away on its own. The first will hurt, certainly, but it will hurt only for a while, and then heal. The second (ask anyone who has waited through this situation) hurts not only as the tooth continues to decay, pain increasing more and more every day, but also the subsequent root canal is, I’ve heard, one of the most painful things ever. You see? Relationships are like teeth. Brush and floss.

2. What kind of person are you when you are with your significant other?
No one is perfect, and you will always have faults, but when you are with the wrong person, those faults become magnified. Do you find yourself becoming jealous? Controlling? Angry? Picking fights where there are none, just to fight about something (been there, done that, by the way)? Most importantly, do you like the person you are when you are with this person? Remember, you have only you to answer to at the end of the day, and if you don’t like that person, you’re pretty much sunk for life.

3. Do you want to be like this forever?
The minor things? Those will come and go, and even if they don’t, they can be dealt with, because they are minor. But what about the big things, especially the big problems? Does one of you have trust issues? Is the other overly-controlling? An overactive temper? A tendency to belittle you to make themselves feel better? These big issues are things that may (and probably will) be with you for the rest of your life. Not to say that people cannot change, but deep-seated issues haunt people, even people who have overcome them. If there are huge glaring problems now that you have been unable to work through with this person, or if one of you is unwilling to change, it may be time to be done. You have to decide if its worth it. Keep this is mind. A bad relationship eventually reaches a point where it turns toxic, and at that point, there is nothing worth salvaging other than your sanity and emotional well-being.

4. Why are you here?
This is possibly the most important question, and the one that requires the most honesty with yourself. Are you sticking around because, even with all the problems, you are comfortable? Is it the security of knowing that you are with someone? Are you terrified of being single? If your answer sounds flimsy, even to you, it may not be good enough. So many people, once a relationship has lost what made it good, stick around because they are afraid of what waits in the dreaded boat labeled “SINGLE”. I promise, though, that boat isn’t so bad. You find out a lot about yourself, and meet a lot of really cool people on that boat. God uses that boat to work on you and make you into who he would have you be (I know, Mrs. Overbearing talking about God working. I am not perfect either, and I talk a good game, but really, all I want is for you to be happy, because I love you, darn it). Don’t be so afraid of being single that you miss opportunities you could have if you would just jump off. I was so afraid of being single that I held onto a relationship six months after I knew it was over. Turns out, God had better planned for both of us, we just had to let go. God always has better, if you let him give it to you.

Here's the deal, my friend. In the end, you can know you are with the wrong person, but it takes courage to admit it, desire better, and walk away. That part is scary, it's hard, and it's heartbreaking. You will probably cry, you will think life will never get better, and you will be tempted to call "just to talk". Don't. This causes only pain and anger. Allow yourself to heal. Allow THEM to heal. Give your heart time to stop hurting and learn to live life single. Erase them from Myspace and Facebook, delete the number from your phone, get rid of all the pictures, gifts and memorabilia. Healing starts when you stop opening the wound.

The End. Hopefully, they will live happily ever after, though, we hope, not with one another.

No comments:

Post a Comment