Thursday, January 14, 2010


I'm rather bad at them, actually. I'm still not sure how I managed to hook a husband, and such a dashingly handsome one at that. Men are simpler, I suppose.
Regardless, the point remains that, while I am happily married, I lack the natural ability to nurture and maintain friendly relationships.
I think it stems from two things.
Firstly, I am not very conscientious of others. I like to talk about myself, and I forget that other people exist for reasons other than being my own personal sounding boards. I also forget to be interested in their lives. I am a forgetter of birthdays, medical conditions, things I have been told only moments before, and life experiences. I am often both prone to second-guess people's reactions to my words while I remain hyper-aware of their body language and facial expressions, leading to an awkward dance between reading the people around me and not over-analyzing them and assuming that they are thinking of ways to ostracize this loud, obnoxious newcomer. I speak long before I think of what repercussions could come from my words. I am abrasive and do not adjust my speech and tone for various situations and people. Conversation for me does not flow easily unless I am with someone I know well or one of those lucky few who could talk to a brick wall and make easy conversation. The subtleties of polite conversation escape me, and consequently, I tend to either say nothing or say everything that is in my head. I am not rude, precisly, I'm just not what one might call very considerate.
Secondly, I never lost the idea that I am an awkward person. I was incredibly awkward in high school and somehow, though I have been assured that I am not, I still see myself that way, and that insecurity leads me to second guess myself before I approach people, before I call people, before I send messages and comments on facebook and message boards. I will begin to dial or type and then think to myself "Who needs to hear from you?" Self-depracating? Yes. Can I help it? Nope.
The knowledge of the first only exsaserbates the existance of the second, leading to a young woman who rarely puts herself in social situations and has trouble maintaining friendships that she has somehow stumbled into.
It's not sympathy I'm after. It just feels nice to get it out of my head. It's noisy in there, and I'm in school. I need to make room.

This, really, is a part of my happiness equation. As uncomfortable as I am in the social spectrum, being with people I know and love makes me happy, and I cannot know and love people if I do not first allow myself to meet them.

Goal # 1: Make a phone call, a girl date, and a lost connection.

1 comment:

  1. um. this is why I love you. Your ramblings and awkwardness... I am the same way. I don't think I am a brick wall... (Hm. I have to think about that for a minute.) nope. not brick wall. You and I can talk for hours and I always enjoy my time with you. So anytime you need to talk, don't second guess yourself...just call. I won't pick up if I don't want to talk right then and then you'll know. HAHA... kidding. I have free time this weekend if you would like to go to a movie!?

    I love you my dear. [Sara]